Cut the Shit

Been a pretty decent Monday so far. Usually I wake up with dread that courses through my gay veins, but today is turning out to be harmless. Actually, I did get to waste some time exchanging immature jabs with two fucking losers through blogworld. It was pretty fucking funny and I have gone back to the site like 5 times to read what they wrote back to me. It is damn hilarious. Especially if you could see one of these guys in person. He is the epitome of what you would expect from an online journaler.
He's hideous, in every possible way. It's so unfortunate for him that he is still walking this planet, but it does give all the rest of us something to laugh about!
Here is his link...Doug the fuck
Enjoy! Don't bother reading his site. It is the most incredibly boring thing your eyes will ever have to experience. If you want...say something mean to him. He and his dork friend are pretty hilarious when they get insults shoved into their vaginas.
Doug's equally hideous friend
GO TO THEIR SITES AND MAKE FUN OF THEM! They love it!
In other news, this weekend was pretty much blah. I did hook up with an old friend of mine and we had a blast on Saturday night. What time did I get to bed? Oh yeah. 6am! Dayim! Spent most of the day lounging around and watching movies yesterday. It was the fucking best. I took like 3 naps and ate everything that sat still for more than 5 minutes. At one point Rita was sleeping on the chair. She didn't move for awhile, so I thought it only polite to take a bite out of one of her boobs.
It was tasty.
And I don't like boobs even!
It is almost time for lunch! Going to the West End today. Probably going to eat buffalo wings and french fries and drink 5 glasses of wine! Sounds like the perfect way to spend a lunch break. Dont ya think?
ooh...there's Ari. Time to head out. Will do my best to stop by here later!

Still haven't pissed. But I did shit my pants, so that makes up for it.
GOD! NO MORE SHIT TALK OUT OF THIS BOY, I PROMISE!

Gotta piss gotta piss gotta piss....
Promised myself that I would write in here before I run to the bathroom. Why, you might ask? Because I am trying to discipline myself.
Whatever. I am lazy as fuck.
Today has been a pretty awful day. Work is dragging, I have been a bit stressed out, and I am fiending for a cigarette. It is rainy outside, and while I usually love days like that, I hate it today. It's bringing me down more.
Once work is over for the day, I am hoping that beer will make me smile. It usually does. :)
I don't have much to write about today, but I definitly wanted to stop in and say hello.
Kelly works all weekend. Rita is going away on a wonderful trip to PA with her boyfriend. I am really excited for her. These kind of getaways are what I live for and Rita doesn't do them nearly enough. She has got quite the self-restraint.
Paul is sick again. Remember how he was in the hospital awhile back? Well, turns out...the surgery didn't go well...like we didn't know that from before. He may have to go back in for another surgery. I am going to die if he does. I surely can't take more time off from work to go be with him and it is going to break my heart to think that he is going to have to go through this all again by himself. Damn.
He went to Beth Israel for the surgery last time. They are like the best in Boston. What's the fucking deal?
Spent alot of today talking to my friend Ian at work. He is a really great guy. Every time he makes plans with Rita and I for dinner or drinks, I accept and then cancel with him the day before. I suck like that. I am going to have to make plans with him for real this time and no matter what...keep them. Sometimes I can be a douche.
Lots of time I eat a douche.
My boss is standing directly behind me as I write this.
Fuck you boss.
What else...
hmmmmmmmmmm..........
Today I had chicken fingers for lunch and had to run back to work to go to the bathroom. No joke...WHOLE pieces of the chicken fingers came out in the bowl. Seriously, is there an open passage way from my mouth to my ass? Why does food go right in, not digest, and then come flying out in such a spastic manner?
Why do I always find myself talking about shit on this thing? I hate poop and yet I act like that's all I am good at.
Enough.
I got this zit on my lip this week...I decided not to pop it, hoping that it would just sink back into my face. It didn't. In fact, it became so painful that I had to squeeze it last night. EXCRUCIATING is the only word I can think of to describe it. But it is finally on it's way back to hell where it came from. Damn you acne. DAMN EWE!
Been chewing the same piece of whitening gum for about 2 and a half hours.
My teeth have bleached right off at this point.
Okay...guess that's it. Need to go piss before I puke.
latas...

Just had the weirdest conversation with this girl. It was about the band Guster and every time I tried to explain myself to her, she just kept looking at me as though I was a lunatic. It was so intensly horrifying that at one point, I looked down and noticed that I was pinching my dick in my fingers. I was PINCHING my DICK in my fingers! I was that uncomfortable! I hope she didn't notice.
In any case...I heard this amazing rumor that the fifth floor of our building contains slices of pizza free for the taking. I will immediately be going up there, eating what I can and stuffing the rest into my pockets for later.
So just now, this old Orthodox Jewish man walks in and asks to talk to the head rabbi. I knock on the rabbi's door to see if he is in a meeting. He is in fact in a meeting with a student. A private meeting. I turn to tell the asshole that he can't come in right now and this little shit shoves me aside with one hand and continues to barrel into the office.
I look at the head Rabbi and make a smarmy "fuck you" face at the guy and then proceed back to my desk.
I just love rude buttholes.
That dick just walked over and goes: "WHERE DO I GET WATER?"
Instead of pointing out the very clearly marked Poland Spring Water cooler in front of his face, I sent him to the bathrooms on the 2nd floor. He is old and an asshole and I just sent him to get toilet water. That will teach you to be so fucking inconsiderate my douchebag friend.
I am using a new gel. I opened up the bottle this morning and used my usual amount. What I didn't count on was the fact that this gel is similar to cement and when dry...feels like I have a spikey helmet on. I keep playing with it and I am so afraid that it is going to rub out without me realizing it and turn the top of my head into Old Smokey.
Memble Old Smokey?
Memble how a meatball rolled down Old Smokey once?
If you have no idea what I am talking about, just continue on...
If you do know what I am talking about, take a pause to laugh a little.
Have to admit...Las Vegas Real World last night was MUCH MUCH better. The people have started to "let go" a bit and not act like such fucks. I mean that literally. They are fucks cuz all they do is fucks.
Fucksing annoy me.
Last night was decent. Then I watched the Making of the Video with Kelly Clarkson. SNANORE!
Nuff said.
She's a tad ugly that one. I don't know. Something's up with her face.
OK! BIG NEWS!
(ooh...hot Jewish boy just walked by)(not the big news, although it should be considering that I work in a place for the ugly)
So the big news is two-fold. First the biggest part...
Last night Mariah and her roommate Rachel went to this club called Suede because Joey Fatone was going to be there doing a special Joey Fatone type show. Whatever, he is such a fuck.
Anyway...if you recall...Mariah's friend Rachel sucked Joey's dick about a hundred times during that evening and the following day. He also ate her out. She also had a yeast infection when he did it.
Fucking nast. But whatever...when you're hungry, you're hungry.
So, Mariah and Rachel go to Suede last night to see him perform in his show. He recognizes the two of them immediatly and spends a great portion of the night hanging with them. According to Mariah, he is really smitten with Rachel.
Twatever.
But the BIG NEWS is that Justin "The Fucking Man" Timberlake shows up at the club and Mariah MEETS him and then he KISSES her on the right cheek and then he hangs with her for awhile. UMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
UMMMMMMMMMMMM!
hey...
UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!
Fucking amazing! And why the FUCK didn't I go with them?!?!?!?!?!?!
Argh!
I have yet to speak to Mariah in person about all of this. She left these details on our answering machine this morning.
I just left her a message telling her to call my sorry ass back asap.
So yeah.
Second big news is that she is having a show on October 26th at a bar downtown. The cost at the door is $15 and we are ALL going to support her, k? The place holds 100 people and I plan to do whatever I can to fill the place. Wanna go?
If you are reading this now, you are more than invited. I will contact the rest of you via email. How fun, right? She will be doing 6 songs.
I was going to guestspot on one of them, but I think it depends on whether or not I want to preview my new album or whatever.
Eh...we'll see...
Man. I REALLY hope these erotic feelings for Eli go away soon. No joke...he is limping cuz he twisted his ankle and he also has a stye on his eye that is the size of Vesuvius and I STILL want him to come sit at my desk and give me kisses and hugs.
I don't think I want his dick in my mouth just yet. Maybe after he buys me dinner.
I am so hungry for lunch right now. I have been starving since 10am, but I have held myself back, cuz I know that this hunger is based from my lack of smoking. The last thing I need in my life is to start acting, but weighing 50 pounds more. Then the only parts I will get will be Jaba the Hut or the Nutty Professor 3.
Which may not be so bad.
Alright ya'll.
Mariah is on the phone!!!!!!!

Wow. What a day.
I had exactly 15 minutes to myself all day and it was during that time that I wrote my other entry. It's a good thing I type fast.
God...you wouldn't BELIEVE how busy I have been at work. I hate leaving projects for the next day. I don't do it ever. But today I had to and that drives me insane. If I don't do the shit I have to do the day it is assigned, there is no way I can catch up the next day. It is virtually impossible. So even though I worked my ASS off today, tomorrow promises to be even more exhausting. Gosh. It must be REAL fucking nice to be just about anyone else in my office. I mean...in my opinion...none of them are as busy as I am. None of them are juggling two full time jobs (administrative assistant/program coordinator) while at the same time, answering questions, acting as a personal assistant to two people, and constantly being interrupted by others in the office place that have no idea how to do the job they got hired for.
It really wore me down today.
Big time.
Ari was NOT fired today. They told her that they will discuss her employment with the agency in 4-5 weeks.
ARE WE SERIOUS? Wow. This is the first job, in my LIFE, where an employee can say and do things that would be detrimental to their job security, and STILL walk out of a meeting and have their job. The place I work for is complete bullshit. I am not happy right now. Not at all. I mean, I want the best for Ari. I do. But she needs to go. And soon. This job is killing her inside. I know it is. And it's also killing me. I don't know how many more times I can see and hear from her about how horrible it is to be her at this place. She is right 99% of the time. But the whole thing is definitly taking its toll on me.
I want her to be happy. First and foremost.
I don't know.
It was a long day.
A VERY long day.
I still have yet to put my headshots/resume together. That's next on the agenda. Man...there just isn't enough time in the day.
Paul hasn't called since Sunday afternoon. He is supposed to come here on Friday for business, but if he can't give me an answer by tomorrow morning...I am going to go ahead and make plans for this weekend. I DESPISE worrying on Wed. about what I will be doing for that weekend. I am a planning freak and I can't stand this "Let's just wait and see attitude".
It might be a "I need to hang out with some new friends" type of weekend.
I need a breath of fresh air.
God I need to start acting soon.
Alright...that's it.
Time to go decompress a bit.

Hello to everyone!
Especially to my new friend PHEOBE who has recently joined us and is seemingly QUITE amazing! So welcome Pheebs! Hope you stick around for awhile.
Hi again to the rest of ya!
So guess what? Last night I DID in fact have a Nicotine Patch dream. You are going to think I am lying when I relay it to you, but I promise it is for real. Each and every detail.
Here it is…
So I am sitting in a classroom with a bunch of people I have never met before. Let’s say that there were about 75 people. I have no idea why I am there except that I am waiting for the big news. Suddenly a 30ish woman walks in and starts calling out people’s names. She calls out 6 names and then I hear mine. I stand up and join the rest of the people in the front of the classroom. Everyone who didn’t have their name called get up and leave the room.
I look at the other 6 people and realize that they are the current case of Road Rules.
(The last thing I saw on tv last night before going to bed was Road Rules…so this does make sense)
The 7 of us leave the classroom and immediately rush off to this hotel to do our first mission. We are all laughing and getting along as though we have been on the road for months. In fact, I think that at this point of the dream, we HAD been on the road for months. We get to the hotel and settle into a corner of the lobby. We look around the room and notice that there are about 15 other Road Rules teams waiting for further instructions, just as we are doing.
Eventually, this horrible looking man with HORRIBLE hygiene gets up in front of all of us and tells us that we have to drink beer and talk to each other for two hours.
THAT’S THE MISSION????
AMAZING! Cuz I am SO good at that.
We hang out and drink. We laugh, we joke, I have the best time of my whole life.
At some point, I look around the room and realize that all of the other teams have been eliminated. WE HAVE WON! WE WON THE MISSION!
How did we win? I have no idea.
But I know we won!
YAY!
We are all overjoyed and then I realize that Eli (this guy I work with) is missing from our group. Now, he wasn’t in the original casting, but at this point we are all freaking out that we have lost him. Rachel, from Road Rules, says to me: “Joe, you go find him. He likes you best.”
I get up and go down the hall of the hotel. I open this random door to Eli with his head on this wooden desk. He is crying hysterically. I ask him what’s wrong, but he won’t answer. I start to get really upset too. I ask him over and over if he wants to talk or if I should get the rest of the team. He says: “No”, then gets up and walks over to me. He puts his arms around me and just stands there hugging me. I hold him while he cries and then I wake up.
Jigga what???
When I had the Eli/Nicotine dream last time, he was the sexiest beast on earth. But last night wasn’t like that at all. He wasn’t cute or sexy or anything. He was just Eli. But he broke my heart and OH GREAT! I woke up being in love with him again! Last time this happened, it took me 3 days and him dressed up in a chicken costume to get over it.
Oh Lord.
What could this dream mean?
Eli’s mom is in the hospital because she is battling breast cancer. Do you think I should talk to him about it? Do you think that I should ask him to go get drinks or something, just to get his mind off of a few things?
I don’t know him very well and the whole situation is just weird. He is a sweet kid, but am I comfortable enough asking him what the deal is?
I don’t know.
I think I will write him and email later just to let him know that I am thinking about him.
In any case…I laid in bed for about 20 minutes this morning thinking about Eli and WISHING that I was a member of this season’s Road Rules. In my mind, they were MUCH cooler than they really are. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I think that they could be my favorite Road Rules Cast ever. Fuck that. They ARE my favorite Road Rules cast ever. I just love em.
So that’s that.
As I type this, Ari is in our boss’s office discussing her future at our job. For her sake, I hope they fire her so that she can finally get her ass in gear and get out of this slum that we work in. She takes so much shit from these people and it’s about time that she moves on. It’s what’s best for her. I assure you.
GO ARI!
I dropped off my headshot/resume/thank you card to my new friend GIGI. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that she will make me famous! She has the power to do so! So give it up!
This student just told me about this test that was conducted somewhere. (I wasn’t listening at the beginning of her story) In the test, they took self-proclaimed homophobes and also self-proclaimed non-homophobic heterosexuals, hooked them up to these shock type therapy things and made them watch gay porn. And of course…the homophobes got shocked repeatedly for being turned on by the whole thing, while the non-homophobes got away free of charge!
Figures, right?
Well anyway…
I hope everyone has a decent rest of their day.
Mine gets better the minute I lock myself in my bedroom to run monologues!
WHOO WAH! I might be an actor afterall!

The weekend has come and gone.
Hate it when it does that. I slept rather fitfully last night. Not that I didn't have a good nights' sleep, but that I woke up every hour and thought to myself: "Wow. 5 more hours of sleep." Or "Wow. 35 minutes more of sleep."
I kind of like doing that. It makes it so that I have a very long night of sleep.
Overall the weekend was mediocre. Rita and I watched movies and did some shopping on Friday. That's always fun. The restaurant opening that we went to on Saturday was a bust. The place was cute, the food was pretty good, but the party blew. It was impossible to get free drinks, the serving staff sucked, and once we did get drinks, it was all over priced. Well, maybe not that over priced, but over priced cuz where the fuck were the free drinks? Poor planning, I think.
However, Ari and I met a fellow blogger named FISH NEEDS A BICYCLE! She was great! Very cute and totally easy to talk too. I just wish we had more time to chat. She seemed like a really nice girl.
After this whole thing, Ari, Kelly, Rita and I went over to this other bar called Blackstar or some shit. It was ok. Nothing huge. It was fun to be out, but other than that, rather boring evening.
Rita and I ended up taking quizzes on the internet until about 4am and that was pretty fun.
Sunday, Rita and I watched Harry Potter and went back to bed.
Love days like that.
Today I pick up my new reprinted headshots. Wish me luck!
Back on the patch today. Hoping for some kick ass dreams tonight. Went off it over the weekend thinking that I was stronger than I was. I even smoked cigarette in front of Fish. So I can't act like I have been totally clean this weekend. :)
What else?
Reconnected with a friend from way back. She and I used to be busom buddies. Kind of hoping that she hasn't turned into a complete psycho. If she hasn't, this will bring my friend quotient in the city up to 5!
That's exciting.
I guess that's it.
Had a great talk with my brother today. We laughed alot and it felt good to hear his voice.
Paul and I had some good talks over the weekend too, so that makes things pretty great overall.
He is tentively scheduled to come to NYC on Friday for work. If so, he and I will have the house to ourselves on Friday night and that would be amazing. Maybe make a nice dinner, with candles and love.
Not trying to get my hopes up though. He won't know until Wednesday if this is going to all go through.
Alright...outta here.
Be back later

BTW....sike about her still wearing the underwear.
She would gasp in horror if she thought I let that lie go uncorrected.

So tonight we head to a restaurant opening with Ari, Trick, Kelly, Rita, myself and also, one FISH!
Meeting up with an actual fellow blogger tonight. How cool and strange and exciting!
Rita and I are leaving my apartment at 6:15pm to be at Ari's by 7pm. We will all relax for a bit and then head down to GOA at like 8:30pm or so. Free drinks and debauchery all night.
What a perfect Saturday evening.
Gotta go jump in the shower. Rita is done and now it is my turn.
I am wearing long sleeves tonight.
It is about 357 degrees outside. Appropriate clothing.
Okay, Rita just walked out of the bathroom holding a pair of underwear that she accidently dropped in the toilet.
HAHAHAHAHA
She is now drying them with a hair dryer in hopes of still wearing them.
Even though there is clearly a poop stain on them now.
Weird girl!

Wow. Do I have a story!
Do you all remember when I dog sat? I mean, I never actually "dog-sat" per se, but I was staying at this woman's house, taking care of her plants, bringing in her mail, etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.etc.
One night, Kelly dog sat and the dog went haywire and she ended up losing it for a couple of hours. Well, the hours being between 1-4am or something. Whatever. That's not the point of my story.
The point is:
It's been two weeks since she told me that she would mail my check for what we did end up doing while she was gone. She was very pleasant on the phone and everything seemed to be great.
Today, having not received the check yet, I called her and left her an answering machine message explaining that she must have had the wrong address, cuz I still haven't received the check. Where is my check? What the fuck, give me my check!
So when I got home tonight, she had left a message on my answering machine FURIOUSLY explaining that she basically hates me and my family and that she will kill us if she ever sees us in a public park.
She is pissed about Kelly and the dog. And also that I spilled a red perfume stain on her couch.
Okay, guys...
I am gay. Yes. I admit it. But I have yet to try on women's perfume. It's...well...it's gay.
I made a stain on the couch? YOU made 57 stains on the couch. When I called her back the second time, not only did I say it was impossible for me to have made the stain, you "Vicki, have so many stains on your couch that it would be out of the realm of possibility for you to have found a new one".
Oops. That stung.
But true.
Also she said that I shouldn't have been staying at her house, without the dog. Although she told me OVER and OVER..."Please...oh please stay in my apartment, just in case I get any important messages or something goes wrong."
Right.
Suck my dick you stupid bitch.
I hate you.
I stressed over this shit longer than I ever should have tonight. What a waste of emotion.
I am a VERY responsible, VERY concientious person. I NEVER hurt people, unless I mean to hurt them. Somehow I fucked up this ladies existence worse than when last year, her other dog got hit by a truck on Broadway. While she was walking it.
I know. Fucked up. And I am SORRY that the experience with Kelly and the dog seemed to have sent you over the edge...but you know what??????
I DIDN'T SPILL PERFUME ON THE FUCKING COUCH!
Whatever.
what the FUCK ever.
Will have to let you all know how this turns out.
just so you know...when i called her back the first time...i was extremely aggressive and demanded that she mail the check to Kelly and I tomorrow. Demanded!
She did offer to mail the check when she called back the second time.
But I feel that if I took the money, she would take a nut. She didn't spay her dog, cuz it bleed like a siv the entire time she was gone, but I tell you...she would take a nut.
Today on the bus...
Rita and I were stepping off through the front exit, cuz the bus was INCREDIBLY packed....
We were the last two out the door and this black woman says to me as I walk by "Supposed to go out the back way, goddamn you". I turn around and go "SHUT UP!" right in her face.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Then we walked off the bus gloating about how she should have shut up.
It was pretty great.
Today was a very angry day on my part. Why do people provoke these emotions? Unless you scare them back with harsh words or major volume, you get stomped on.
I don't want to have experiences like I did today. I am a VERY nice person overall. But cross me and I turn into a fucking beast.
I hate it.
I very rarely if NEVER give someone a reason to freak on me. And today someone did. For no reason.
NO reason.
Man...sometimes I get so frustrated with dealing with people who don't get it.
To be on that next level is a privilege, but also a burden to carry.
I think you get what I mean.
Sorry everyone else sucks.

I was just upstairs in the bathroom exploding every possible blackhead on my face. The amount of squiggling that happened was damn near sickening. Also, the entire lower half of my face is bright red from pinching and squeezing. I am trying my best to hide my mouth in my shirt. Yikes.
But listen! I had to do it. They were getting a little sick.
HAPPY SUKKOT to all my Jewish readers.
Okay, just to Ari. We are selling our Lulavs and Etrogs for the holiday. If you don't know what a Lulav and Etrog is, it is essentially a citron on a stick. It's pretty cute and if it weren't $35, I would buy one for my bedroom.
Who DOESN'T want a lemon on a stick?
I sure would.
if I were you.
Ate two wonderful hot dogs for lunch.
Continue to eat them as the day goes on.
Ok enough.
Can my journal NOT turn into only entries about flatulance, poop, farts, and acne? I mean seriously. What the fuck am I turning into?
Eh. A boy is a boy is a boy. Boys love to talk about poop.
At least the ones that I want to date do.
SIKE!
or
SICK!
Big restaurant opening this Saturday! Going to meet one of my fellow bloggers. How weird is that???!!! Pretty cool too. Very much looking forward to a night out on the town. I might even dress up and NOT wear my usual cut off shorts.
You know how I just LOVE my cut off shorts.
Faded blue with patches.
Hot.
Guess what? Today I went to the library.
Wait, there's more...
I love going to the library, cuz they have movies. And they let you rent the movies for a whole week for FREE!
So Rita and I go at least once a week, sometimes 3 times a week, and rent movies. FOR FREE!
This week we got "Godzilla" and "Down to You". Then today...we found "Harry Potter"! WHAT?!?!!
They have "HARRY POTTER" at the library?
ROCK!
I quickly snagged it. Some 5 year old boy wanted to rent it, but I slapped him in the mouth and took it before he could tell his mom. Please don't tell Rita that I slapped the little boy. She has issues with me hitting children.
Whatever.
So yesterday on the way home, Rita and I stumbled across this exercise bike from 1963. Some wasteful IDIOT put it out on their stoop to be picked up by the garbage men. I was mortified. I IMMEDIATELY picked up this rusted piece of smelly garbage and put it in Kelly's bedroom. I thought she would LOVE having a new piece of exercise equipment. Good for the legs.
She left a note on the kitchen table this morning saying how much she loved it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Does this mean I have to take it out of her room and put it back by the curb?
I'm too tired to do that part.
Kelly...just use it and love it.
Paul just called and was pretty fucking adorable.
Ah geez. Love that ghoulie a lot.
So I found out today that (MOST LIKELY) my brother will be able to come home from Germany on block leave from the ARMY. Well, we already knew that he would most likely be coming home, but he told me today that he is coming home on December 23rd! He will stay until January 5th! WOW!!! He is going to be home for Christmas!!! I couldn't believe it. I about shit myself. Cept I didn't cuz I have constipation still. But I boofed really loudly.
boofed = farted
Of course, there are reasons why this whole thing could fall through, but I am not comfortable getting into them on here.
Let's just keep our fingers crossed, our prayers strong, and our hopes high.
My brother might be coming home for CHRISTMAS!
Shit yeah.
Today after work Rita and I are going to this little gay pub in Queens called the "Albatross". Paul and I went there this weekend and discovered that they have a dart board, a pool table, and a mega-touch game! He and I played 8 dollars worth of games. It was the most fun and I am pretty excited to get out on the town and drink tonight for a bit.
Kelly has been working her ass off this week. Doubles upon doubles. She is starting a new restaurant. From what it sounds like...the word on the town is hinting at...this restaurant is going to be BIG! Lots of money to be made there, we think. And she might only have to work 3 or 4 nights. AMAZING! I really hope this all falls into place for her. She has been going non-stop, so it would be nice for her to have a bit of a break after the training is complete.
She will be joining Ari and I for the restaurant opening on Sat. So will Rita. Mariah has to work, but will meet us after 11pm for more drinks at local bars. Unfortunately, drinks we will have to pay for.
Ok...I think that is it for today. Almost 5pm and almost time to go home!!!!
BTW...I took my nicotine patch off this morning at 7am and I have yet to put it on.
Proud of me, eh?
I am going to put it on now though. I still have yet to drink beers and NOT die inside from wanting a smoke so badly.
We will see.
Alright...peace jigs!

Balright.
I have no idea why I am writing right now. All I know is that I want to write.
Came home tonight, had a few beers, played some Mancala (insert trademark symbol), and now stumble around like a doofus.
doofus?
never doofus.
stumble around like an indigo girl.
no.
that makes no sense.
(it's whats playing on the computer right now)
(My housemate Rita owns the computer)
(she's a lesbian)
(shh about her being a lesbian)
So in any case...I sit here and write.
Been thinking a lot about the Real World today. Yes, I realize that that could be a scary thing to admit in a public journal. What with everyone being so "particular" and such.
But I been thinking how Las Vegas is really such bullshit.
I mean, yes. The Real World isn't EMMY nominating reality television.
But it was the first. And I have always thought...the best.
A little smut, a lot drama, but sometimes...actually real! Do you remember New Orleans? Do you remember Irene with her Lyme Disease?
SIKE! That was shit.
What I really meant was...do you remember Lindsay getting the call?
That call that told her that one of her best friends had committed suicide.
I mean...do you remember?
That was real. That touched so many people. THAT my friends, was EMMY nominated reality television.
And now this.
The Vancouver thing really pissed me off. I never fully explained in this journal how much it really shocked my shit.
Let me just tell you this...I really BELIEVED that there was a REAL Lost Season Vancouver. Seriously. Walked around telling everyone I knew that the unthinkable happened! Something went wrong in VANCOUVER and now they are showing it on MTV!!!!
Everyone WATCH!
Watch me be a fool.
You made me a fool MTV. ME! Joe Cuttheshit! The one who realizes that he is 25 and still vehemently supports MTV's programming.
And while I can say all of this, I turn on my television last night, so excited, to see Las Vegas. Oh God. Las Vegas.
Yes. It IS fun that they will humiliate themselves in front of the nation. Yes. It IS personally satisfying to see other people ruining their lives at a faster rate then we seem to be doing. And if none of all that strikes you...yes. Yes, it is great to tune into an hour of craziness and debauchery in order to escape the true reality that is our hum drum lives.
But you know what?
I LOVE the Real World. I know some very cool people (Rita, Kelly, Ari) that follow this Real World thing as well.
I mean...didn't we hope for those beautiful moments? Those rare moments that would show us a glimpse into what present day reality tv can never hope to do?
A moment of honesty from someone else. Out of their tv and into our lives. And for a second we are changed by this experience.
Wow. Whatever. I wax philosophic about the Real World.
But I admit again: I love MTV. I think they do wonderful programming. (Yes, they have some bullshit, but you tell me one station that doesn't)
I am disappointed in the direction in which this Las Vegas bullshit is going.
But I will watch. I will be sad.
Sad y'all.
Sad.
Over it already.
Sorry bout all that.
What the fuck happened? I felt like I was sitting here typing furiously away about something that ultimately means nothing to me.
I am not THAT journal writer. The one that explains only opinions on every day social issues.
(if you can even call "The Societal Impact of MTV a social issue)
So I guess that's it.
Just give me a computer and twenty minutes and I will give you intensity on the first thing that comes to my mind.
Hope everyone had a pleasant evening.
I did.
And am even more overjoyed that tomorrow is Thursday.
One day closer to pretending that I have no responsibilities.
Love the weekend.
hate the sunday.
Enough.

WELCOME BACK TO THE 9 TRAIN!
ROCK! I have missed this train in a way that can only be described as "erotic".
Back in the day, you used to be able to take the 1 or the 9 all the way up past where I work. After September 11th, the 9 train went to sleep for awhile. Now that things are moving steadily down at ground zero, they have re-installed my favorite train! Two chances to catch the local up town. This makes my commuting life so much easier!
Welcome back to you my friend. Welcome back.
I have poop in my ass. It feels a bit solid and I don't think it will come out any time soon. Damn you cigarettes. Damn you for giving me beautiful diherehea for months and then now...constipation up the ass.
hee hee. double entandra.
entendra.
tandra.
double entandra.
entindra.
hmmm....entandra and diaherrehea are very hard to spell. It hurts my inner self.
So, as it turns out, we will definitly be going to this restaurant opening on Saturday night. I am pretty excited about it considering that Ari has invited me to at least a dozen of these events, including the opening of Britney Spear's restaurant "NYLA", and I have yet to go to any of them. The restaurant is called "Goa" and they are serving free alcohol from 10-11pm. AND they will give us goodie bags. What more could you ask for besides GOODIE BAGS?
Sorry everyone. Gotta be on "the list" to get in.
If you can bring a very buff, kinda gay guy, with you, I will MAKE SURE that you and your friend are immediatly put on the list.
I know people in high places.
Eh, Ari?
Oh no. The 4:30pm rush is starting. Gotta go.

So when I lost my blogger entry, the only thing I could do to make myself feel better was to scream at the top of my lungs: "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!"
It did feel better, but I only did it cuz I thought that no students were in the office.
Then just now I realize that one of the prissiest students ever was sitting in the student office.
SHIT!
or FUCK!
Whichever.
Now I am red faced.
And also I peed my panties.

Once again, I have lost everything that I wrote in this mother fucking journal.
FUCK ME!
FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME! a la Exorcist style.
Here is a recap of what I wrote about:
Real World Las Vegas is smut garbage.
Steven is gayer than shit and will annoy you the entire season in proving otherwise.
If you believe he could be straight, than you need to go back to gaydar school and figure out which BLATANT lie of his threw you off track.
Found 5 monologues last night and half memorized one of them. Still working and hope to be ready to go by Sunday.
My patch is itching.
I ate a huge turkey sandwich, then bit off part of my thumb thinking it was a left over morsel.
Farted once.
Farted twice.
Farted a third time and then resolved to stop farting in my chair.
Had the most amazing french fries for dinner last night. They are GOYA brand and have like zero fat. They were fresh, tasty, and I almost finished a bag off last night.
Shit at work is pretty intense. See Ari's journal for more details.
Debating going to this opening of a restaurant Saturday night.
Jerked off 3 times in the last 16 hours.
Getting a haircut since I am now in the running for the next American Pop Idol.
And I think that was it.
Ah...this condensed version is a much easier read.
May have to consider doing it this way always.
way way and way.
Lata jiggas.

Hi all!
Sorry to have been gone for so long. This weekend got the best of me and I thought it, um...best, to not go anywhere near the computer. Paul was here and we had a beautiful time. We only hooked up once and it was for like 8 minutes. That kind of sucked, but sometimes there are more important things to do or talk about other than sex. It was a nice change. We had some pretty intense conversations as well. Some of which will find their way to this page, some of which will never come out of my mouth. :-D
Friday night we partied it up in NYC. Saturday, we saw the movie SIGNS. (My second time, his first) GO SEE IT! It's muy brilliante! Sunday, we went to this great, local gay bar and rocked out. We got home and ended up staying up just about all night. We talked and laughed like two girls that haven't seen eachother in years. Yesterday was a bit depressing as we both had the impending doom of him leaving weighing very heavily on our shoulders. He got his stuff together and left at 6am in order to make it to the train station by 7. To be honest, I have had this gaping hole in my heart ever since he took off. I hate it. I hate hate hate it. You would think that after 2 years of doing this, we would have it down to a science. But lo and behold, it hurts more and more with each arrival and departure. I guess that's what true love is.
I SAW THE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE VIDEO THIS MORNING!
And about SHIT myself. DAMNIT! Why is there such beauty in this world, and why don't I have full access to all of it?
Meaning Justin's penis in Joe's mouth.
I know I know. I am a child for loving him the way that I do. But you know what? When I was 12 and gay, I had to pretend to be in love with Deborah Gibson. (Not that I didn't love her for her talent and perfume. I mean Electric Youth y'all.)
Now that I am 25 and gay and out, I feel justified to express my love for my new pop idol.
And by pop idol, I am in NO way referring to Miss Kelly Clarkson. If I hear her overly virbratoed rendition of "A Moment Like This" one more time, I might rip my eyelashes out one by one. GAH!
and also
gah.
Let's see....
No big NIC dream this weekend. Prolly cuz I didn't have the patch on for most of it. Prolly cuz I smoked a couple cigarettes. Prolly cuz I am not quitting anymore.
SIKE!
I am so still quitting. Just kinda had a little falling out.
IT IS SO HARD! Don't let any ass tell you differently.
So Doris...if you read Ari's Journal you know who Doris is, just came up to me and asked me a question that I definitly know that answer to. Unfortunately for Doris, that gigantic piece of goop that was stuck to her lip forced me to vomit rather than answer her. I told her "I don't know" and quickly diverted my eyes before I ended up sitting in a pool of my own bile. God she is fucking repulsive.
Can everyone stop interuppting me? Marco, our superintendent, who I just found out makes $7,500 more than me, just walked up to me and goes: "Sup dude." He then proceeds to smile at me all creepily. Then he just stands there. I go: "Sup." and he continues to stand there all sexually and weird like. Eventually I just went back to typing until he got the hint and left.
I mean...don't you got better shit to do then stand there looking at me as though I have some double d jugs?
I don't get it.
What is wrong with the world?
Well, I think that might be it for today. Going to go figure out how to get to this place downtown. That should take a good half an hour...and then it will be time to go home.
(big sigh)
Been waiting all day for that moment.

I thought you would all be upset if a whole day went by without me telling you about the Nic dream I had last night. No seriously. If you think that I am just sitting here every day making up stories to tell...you are dead wrong.
DEAD WRONG!
All of what I write is pure truth.
If you get tired of hearing about my crazy nicotine dreams, leave me a comment.
Not that I will stop writing them or anything. It will just give me a reason to laugh in your face.
Let me begin...
I am sitting in my house in Albany and we are having some sort of a party. My whole family is there, including my gay uncles from California. Kelly and Rita are also there, and guess what? So is fucking BJ. (Does BJ ALWAYS have to be in my nicotine dreams?
In case you didn't know, the answer to that question is yes)
There are also other people in the house, but they remain faceless, thus making them nameless.
We are all sitting there and talking when someone yells out that we should go to the local indoor playground. (In Albany, we call it Stompin Grounds. I worked there for 2 years. They have big structures made of tubes, and bins full of colored balls to play in. Although, do NOT play in them. They are filled with kid piss. Just an insiders piece of advice for ya.
We all load up into our various cars and drive to Stompin Grounds. On the way, my uncles say that there is this new dinosaur game that we should all play. (I get very excited cuz I just LOVE dinosaurs.) We pull up to Stompin Grounds and all file into the building. Once inside, it is like kid heaven. There are tons of those tube structures, numerous ball pens, and a food court, and a huge slide, and and and...so many things.
I am thrilled! I look around the place and there are about 100 students from the place that I work at. They make some sort of announcement that the "Dinosaur game" will start so I run over and get on my uniform. The uniform for the dinosaur game is kind of like an athlete's jersey. Mine was red.
I realize that no one else in the group wants to play the dinosaur game. They only want to eat pizza and sit and watch. I still play with people that I don't know and they all vary in age. Some were 3 years old, some were 80 years old.
The game begins and I don't know how to play. All I know is that I have to figure out a way to destroy these so called dinosaurs.
A HUGE door opens from the bottom up and I see the most amazing thing. There are two dinosaurs that must be at least 80 feet high. They are gigantor and are both T-rex's. One is green and one is red. Oh. Did I mention that they were made of Lego's? Cuz they were. Green and red legos. Once the door is open, the T-rex's ROAR very loudly and start to step out of their holding pens. All of the people I am with scream at the top of their lungs and start running to hide. I am so excited to play and can't wait to get started. I stand where I am and face the dinos. The red T-rex steps right in front of me and bends down to pick up a little girl that is next to me. I start laughing cuz she was caught. The laughter stopped when I realize that this red lego T-rex swallows the little girl whole. She just disappears into his massive belly. I think to myself "Um. Is this the game I signed up for? Dying isn't so much fun. " I quickly run away and hide in climb inside one of the tube structures. I hide in this yellow tube and watch the T-rex's scour the building for everyone in the game. Everyone else that I came with sit on the sidelines, eating pizza and cheering for their favorite player. I see my uncles and they mouth to me:
"YOU CAN DO IT!"
Little boys, old women, grown men, they all get swallowed whole by these dinosaurs. I start to think to myself: "How do I POSSIBLY destroy them to win the game?" I see people throwing balls and other various objects at them and all it seems to do is piss them off more.
Even though I am totally hidden in one of the tubes, the red T-rex eyes me and comes charging towards the tube structure I am in.
I climb higher and higher until I at least 20 feet above him. Now, I don't know how the T-rex does this, but he shrinks to a smaller, but still huge size, and starts to climb into the tubes after me.
It was at this point that the dream turned into a horrifying nightmare.
I notice that the T-rex is very agile and is climbing up towards me very fast. I find an exit slide in the tubes and I slide away from him.
Once at the bottom of this amazing slide, I see a lego Betty Rubble and Wilma Flintstone go running by me with one kid above each of their heads. (Understand this...it may sound bizzare and slightly humorous, but when I saw them run by, a major streak of fear coursed through my veins.)(cuz I mean seriously...no one said that lego betty's and wilma's would be in the game!)
I run over to my gay uncle Brad and I say: "Help me! HELP ME!" He, along with the rest of my family, BURST out laughing at me and Brad says: "You wanted to play, so go play."
Yikes.
I turn around and notice that the green T-rex and spotted me and is charging in my direction. I look to my right and see a bathroom door. I run over to it and go inside. Once inside, I realize that it isn't a bathroom at all, but some sort of EXTREMELY small storage closet. I lock the door and think to myself: "He could never get in here. It is air tight and there is a metal door separating the two of us.
As I am thinking this, the T-rex starts to ram his head against the door. The door seems to hold up and I feel relieved. I'll just wait until the game is over and then I will come out, I think.
But the green T-rex isn't giving up. He roars loudly and then takes a huge bite out of the top of the door. I scream as well and back as far as I can into the corner. The T-rex starts taking bite after bite out of the door, with a HUGE vengence. The strength he has proves to be too much for the storage closet. A whole opens up to my right. After the T-rex finishes off the door, I stand there screaming. He then lunges at me with the biggest lego teeth I have ever seen. I quickly jump over his snout and through the hole that has opened up. I go running as fast as I can back to the huge tube structure that I was in.
The T-rex screams "I AM GOING TO GET YOU!"
(Yes, you got that right. Suddenly the T-rex speaks very good English)
I climb and climb into the tubes and once I am at the very highest point of the structure I look down and see his huge head below me. At this point he is eating someone, but I can't tell who it is. I look across the room and see this kid Orahn that is a student at my workplace. (Yes Ari. Orahn is waving at me from across the room....why the FUCK is he in my dream?) I wave back, as though I have the time, and look back down at the T-rex. His doesn't seem to be noticing me, but I notice that on the very top of his skull is a button that says
"PUSH ME". Without even thinking about it, I vault over the side of the structure and I land directly on the button. The entire dinosaur collapses VERY GENTLY under me and the T-rex turns into a baby lego T-rex.
Swear to God, the fear leaves me and I think "How cute!"
I pick up the baby T-rex and hold it in the palm of my hand. I look around the room and no one is running anywhere. It's just kids playing normal games like "Who can climb the tubes fastest?" or "Try to find me in the balls!"
The game seems to be over. Uncle Brad calls out: "Time to go home." I go over to meet my family and we leave Stompin' Grounds. As we walk out to the parking lot, I wake up.
WHA WHA WHAT?!?!?!?!
And that's it. But when I woke up, I was still petrified. Why the FUCK did I dream about this. Why the FUCK have I had any of the dreams that I have had in the last 3 nights? I can blame it on the nicotine patch, or I can just accept the fact that I think in ways that only psycho-paths and serial killers think.
Hmmm....

Would you like to hear about the nicotine dream I had last night due to my ever lovin patch wearin arm?
Well here goes...
I am at work sitting at my desk with Ari next to me and Rita in her office. Things seem like a normal and average day.
Suddenly, this other guy I work with, Eli, comes running out of his office and says: "Joe, I need you to take me and a friend to the grocery store to buy some stuff for our dinner tonight." I'm like "Sure, why not?" I grab my things and Eli, his friend (some random chick) and I leave my job and get into a car that is supposedly mine, but I have never seen before. I remember it being early morning as I was getting into the car, but as Eli and I were driving, it was nighttime. It made sense at the time. I also remember that the car was busted ugly and that it was a stick shift, with the stick being up against the steering wheel. Weird.
I remember laughing and having a blast while we were in my car. It was the most fun. Driving to the grocery store. Um. yeah.
So we get to the grocery store and Eli, this random chick, and I start shopping for bags of chips, sodas etc. As I turn one of the aisles, I see an ex-girlfriend/friend of mine named Sam. She was there with some other people I know from college. I immediately ran back to the aisle I came from and told Eli what was going on. Eli says: "You have to talk to her. I will go get the rest of the groceries and meet you at the check-out counter in a little while. I start to panic a bit, but I say "sure" and start walking over to Sam and crew.
Sam is really rude to me when I talk to her and she is acting like she has become this mighty powerful beastmaster. I remember hating her in the dream. I spend about 10 torturous minutes with her and then realize that's it's getting late and I have to meet Eli by the check-out. I say something off the cuff and rather rude to Sam and head towards the cashiers. When I get up there,
I realize that Eli has left with his friend and has taken my car. I am furious! So angry! I immediately leave the store and go to a payphone where I call Kelly and ask her to come pick me up. Within minutes she is at the store, driving a white, convertible VW bug. (lol)
I jump in and she drives as fast as she can to get me back to work. The roads curve all over the place and we end up having to drive up a mountain. It is so dark and the only light that she has to drive by is that of the moon. She speeds up around the corners and I start getting extremely scared at this. I yell at her to "slow down" and to "stop driving like a maniac". She tells me to "Relax...that it will be fine" and before we know it, we fall off a cliff and go tumbling over and over down the mountain. She is screaming the entire way. I am quiet as we fall, but making sure not to leave my legs under the glove box so that they won't get crushed by the crash that we will inevitably envelop us.
When we do hit the bottom of the mountain, Kelly and I are both alive and fine, but the top of the convertible has ripped off. The car has landed right side up so Kelly continues to drive back up the mountain. We speed along and suddenly we are toppling over and over again to the bottom of the mountain. This time Kelly is laughing and I am screaming. I am starting to get very scared of her becuase I think that she is trying to kill me. When the car hits the bottom of the mountain, she speeds up trying to go back up it. I jump out and she calls after me: "Wait Joe! I can get you there. Get back in!" I scream: "No way!" and I run up the mountain by myself.
Once at the top, I realize that my office is right there. I run inside and up to the third floor where I work. It is still nighttime and everyone is preparing for whatever big event Eli needed the groceries for. I go into Eli's office and say to him: "I am so fucking angry with you. Sit down we need to talk."
The students that were in the office have left and Eli sits down across from me. I start to tell him that I can't believe he took my car and left me at the store and blah blah blah. Finally Eli opens his mouth and says: "Joe. I think I might be gay."
I say: "Eli, I know. I have known for awhile." Suddenly I am not angry about the car anymore. He stands up and I stand up in front of him and we fully make out for awhile. I remember being overwhelmingly turned on in the dream and started to fall in love with him at that moment. At the height of our make-out, the door whips open and one of my co-workers walks in and says: "Stop it. I need to talk to you two about the event tonight." We stop kissing and touching and listen to her bullshit. After she leaves, I tell Eli that he should come by my place later that night. He agrees and I walk out of his office and out of the dream.
I wake up.
------THE END------
Ok...first of all...that dream was so fucking real! I am not that attracted to Eli. In fact, I am MINIMALLY attracted to him at most, but ever since that dream, I am fully in love with him. When he walked into work this morning, he looked at me as any normal, straight boy would look at another guy and I looked at him with hearts in my eyes.
What is my fucking problem? The dream last night was much scarier than the one the night before. Man. Everyone should go on the patch. It gives you the most incredible dreams of your life.
I went to bed last night at 9:45pm and slept pretty fitfully the entire night. Quitting smoking has given me horrible constipation and I woke up at 2:30am with feelings of bowel panic. I sat there for FOREVER trying to go and finally it all flooded out. What is the fucking deal!? I hate quitting. I have like strep throat, constipation, horrible sleeping patterns, and all I want is a smoke. Ugh.
But I will press on. Keep on keeping on.
Probably going to go to the doctor tomorrow to check out this throat thing. My glands are so swollen, I feel like they are going to pop and blood will splatter against the computer screen. Pleasant.
Okay, that's it for today. Am going to go to the doctor's tomorrow, I think. My froat is so awful.
Enough complaining.
But did I mention that it hurts more than I think it ever has in the past?
Oh I did?
Great. Go fuck yourself.
Just kidding. No anger allowed on September 11th.
Bye kids.

I hope everyone is holding up well today.
Be strong and take some time to remember.

A conversation I had with Paul today:

P: "Hi Joe. Did you get the present I sent in the mail?"
J: "Hi Paul. I have no idea what you are talking about."
P: "I sent you a present in the mail last week. Did you get it?"
J: "Oh. You mean the packet of fliers you sent to me from your office?"
P: "Yeah. What did you think???"
J: "Well, I read it and then I threw it away."
P: "YOU DID WHAT???"
J: "I read it and then I threw it away."
P: "WHY? Why would you do something like that? I made that packet."
J: "You didn't make it Paul. You stuffed the envelope. I read the information and then since none of it really applied to me, I threw it in the garbage."
P: "That is so shitty Joe. I save everything you send me. Cards, letters, presents. I keep them all in a designated 'Joe' folder."
-----NOTE-----
Upon each visit to Paul I have seen letters and cards that I have mailed him shoved behind televisions, under bed mattresses, inside of shoes, etc. So don't lie to me Paul about being SO CAREFUL with the little love letters I send you.
-----END NOTE-----
J: "Paul. Why would I save this packet of random information? It's not like you even included a post-it note with the word 'hi' on it. I have enough trash, so I figured get rid of it before it starts cluttering up my life."
P: "OMIGOD! OMIGOD! LD:SJKHF:SLDKH S":DLK H:SDLHJK"
J: "Okay. Calm down. I just didn't see why it was important for me to hold onto it."
P: "BECAUSE I SENT IT TO YOU...GARBLE GARBLE SCARY JUMBLINGS OF GARBLE"
J: "Alright look...calm down. I am sorry I threw the fliers from the insurance company you work at in the garbage."
P: "INSURANCE COMPANY?!?!?! Do you have any idea what I do with my life? Do you even know where I work? Do you do you do you do you do you do you..."
J: "ARGH! OK! I AM SORRY! I don't understand why it means so much to you, but obviously it does..."
P: "Of course it does. I sent you that packet out of love and because I was thinking of you."
J: "WHAT? (hysterical laughter) You sent me that packet filled with 3 ridiculous fliers out of love for me??? HAHAHAHAHA"
P: "Fine. Fine. Be a dick. I just wish you were more supportive."
J: "Oh shit I'm sorry. I didn't realize that that packet was supposed to be my birthday card from last month."
P: "I gave you a birthday card!"
J: "Yeah...a month and a half later and it had five lines written in it."
P: "That's not the point. The point is that you threw away the important packet from my company."
J: "Oh God. I have to go."
P: "Fine. Bye."
J: "Bye Paul."
P: "I love you."
J: "I love the packet you sent me."
P: "ARGH! DF:LKHJSDG:LIYUDS:GFLHJKSD:HK!!!!!"
J: "Okay, call me later. Love you too and bye!"
----click----
Just thought that you would all appreciate that little story of my ridiculous, yet beautiful relationship with Paul.

Okay, but I do have one quick funny story.
I was just standing in our copier room talking to our Spanish housekeeper. Now understand that she is totally adorable. But this story does not make her come out looking so great.
So we were standing in the copier room discussing how to prepare steak. Suddenly, and out of nowhere, she rips a fart louder than the sound of xeroxing being done. I looked her right in the eye after it happened and she didn't even blink. Neither did I. I went on like nothing happened. But then the smell hit and it was something fierce. I had kind of forgotten for those few seconds that she had even laid that fart bomb, but the smell reminded me in a way that only eggs can. I stifled every bit of laughter that I could. Once I thought I had it fully under controlled, this wonderful and sweet lady ripped another one even louder than the one before it.
At this point I just had to leave.
I knew the smell that was going to follow and I don't think my stomach could have handled another one.

Just wrote the most brilliant piece of literature to have it freeze right before my FUCKING EYES~!
Just love when that fucking fuck fuck shit stupid fuckin shit happens!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Okay will try to write it again.
nah fuck it.
Fuck motha fuck.
stupid bitch.
asshole.

Kelly, Rita and I decide that we want to spend a night in this beautiful bed and breakfast. It is run by this 80 something year old lady and the house has about 25 rooms on the upper level. Kelly, Rita and I each get our own rooms and we begin to unpack. BJ, who used to live with Kelly and I, decides that he wants to go too and shows up at the house with some of our guy friends from Albany. As I unpack, I realize that we are about to go out to a local bar in like 15 minutes. I quickly get dressed and find myself standing outside with a group of about 10 people waiting to drive to this bar. Kelly and Rita have decided to stay in and not go out. Once at the bar, I remember drinking margaritas. Blue margaritas. I also did a shot of Tequila with BJ.
As I got more wasted, I look around the table and notice that my two best friends from Elementary School are at the bar: Shawn and Tyson. I haven't seen them in years, but they act like we are all still best friends. I realize how much I have missed them and I spend a majority of the evening hanging out with them, taking shots, and shooting the shit.
Suddenly, our friend Alex, from Albany, walks by and I run over and give him a HUGE hug. He looks good!
He turns to leave and I see this incredibly hot guy sitting without his shirt on at the table that I was sitting at. I go over, sit on his lap for awhile and then suddenly realize that I am with all straight people and none of them know I am gay. Except for BJ. I get off the guy's lap and then sit back down by BJ who grabs my knee and holds it in earnest. I look at him and he nods to me that no one saw me sitting on this guy's lap. EXCEPT for the fact that I was sitting on this lap at the SAME table that all of these straight friends of mine were sitting at. But whatever.
Eventually the bar starts to shut down and we all get up and leave to go back to the bed and breakfast. Everyone is trashed and I sit in the back of a mini-van next to BJ. We hold hands for a little while, even though I KNOW he is straight at this point. The van is jam packed...but not with actual jam...and we eventually reach the parking lot of the place we are staying at. Once we pile out of the van, everyone is conducting their separate conversations and we are all laughing and going crazy.
I leave the group and go upstairs to check on Kelly and Rita.
I see Kelly standing in her bedroom and I ask her where Rita is. She says that Rita is sleeping and that I will see her in the morning. Kelly and I sit and talk for awhile. I tell her about Shawn and Tyson and then we say goodnight.
I go back to my room, get undressed and climb into bed. I fall asleep.
When I wake up, I am in my bed in NYC.
Okay what?
I was told that being on the nicotine patch caused intense dreams or even nightmares, but this is ridiculous. The dream was so real and detailed that I don't think I will ever forget it. The strangest part about this whole thing is that I had the dream between
6-7am this morning. All of that happened in an hour.
I was so exhausted from partying all night that when I woke up I felt as though I had never gone to bed.
Very weird.
One last thing...
I have, by far, the worst sore throat that I have ever had in my life. My mom says that it is a side effect from quitting smoking. While I believe 99% of what comes out of her mouth, I had to check it on the web. Sure enough, one of the first side effects of quitting smoking is an intense sore throat. It is so bad that I can't even swallow the spit in my mouth. My tongue is lolly-gagging all over the place and I feel like an overheated poodle.
I also am in the beginning stages of a stye on my left eye, but if I don't play with it, it will surely go away.
I hope.
Quitting smoking not only sucks mentally...it is destroying my body.
My glands are out to my temples.
I look very pretty today.
So I guess that's it.
Got my patch on again today. It has officially been 36 hours since my last smoke and I feel pretty good about the whole thing. The cravings do come, but they do go as well. I have to keep myself busy. I find is almost impossible to sit around and watch tv or talk. All it does is make me want to reach for my pack of Parliaments. Probably won't be drinking for awhile either. The temptation to smoke then is just too great. Yesterday was definitely easier than today. Tomorrow will probably be even more difficult.
You know? It's funny. I feel so much more in tune with myself now that I have cut out cigarettes. My emotions seem more real and connected to what I am thinking and doing. It feels good. Cigarettes seemed to cover up all that I was dealing with. If upset, I would just smoke a butt. If angry, I would just smoke a butt.
Now...I have to find other ways to deal with these feelings. Like actually experiencing them. Weird.
Tomorrow is September 11th and that makes me want to have a cigarette.
When I walked in to work this morning I felt pretty comfortable with it being the eve of the anniversary of the tragedy.
Now, having been at this desk for a couple of hours, I find my mood turning dismal. I feel sad. I don't know. It's not something I want to deal with and as much as I know I shouldn't block out these thoughts, I find it is the easiest way to deal with it. I think that after work tomorrow I might go sit in Central Park for awhile. Maybe write in my journal and just spend a little time reflecting. I had originally thought that I would go to a Memorial Service of some kind, but I am starting to think that maybe that is a bad idea. When I get upset, I prefer to be alone. That's probably how I will spend the next few days. Alone.
Thinking and detoxing myself of this whole thing.
I don't want tomorrow to come. I wish we could just fast forward to Thursday. Even trying to remember what exactly happened last year at this time is just so overwhelming. It took me weeks to get myself back together and I don't want to feel that way again.
There was some good that came out of all of it. Such as the new lease on life, new patience and love for people I don't necessarily like. But it is very difficult to hold onto these feelings for a long time. They tend to dissipate a lot faster than the hurt does.
Luckily, my and Ari's boss has been completely ignorant to the fact that she or I might not want to be in this shit hole tomorrow. No offer for some time off to go to a prayer service or anything. DESPITE the fact that everyone we work with will be taking time out of their day to go to a service. But Ari and I must answer the fucking phones. Man...this place is a trip.
When everything went down last year, I was sitting right at this very desk, checking the voicemail on the machine and planning for another day of bullshit. Then suddenly everything changed.
And here we go...
Okay enough. I am getting way too deep for 12:20pm on a Tuesday.
Hope everyone gets through the next 48 hours as calmly and introspectively as possible.

LOLOLOL
Please go to my poll and see what some clever girl did.
I couldn't agree more with whomever answered the poll that way.
(reets)

Alrighty!~
What a day so far. I have quit smoking. Well, I don't know if I deserve the right to say "I have quit smoking", but up to this point I have had zero today! It doesn't feel so bad. I think these nicotine patches I got goin work pretty well. I am just going to keep my head up and keep praying. I really want to be quit. It's time.
So I just got off the phone with this lady "Gigi" that is supposed to be my new and hopefully best theater friend in this city. She was absolutely DARLING on the phone! She was so nice to me and actually told me that she tries to meet people over the phone before she meets them in person, due to the fact that alot of people suck. But she told me that she thought I sounded "wonderful, intelligent, fun, and adorable." She said all of those things! It made me feel so good.
So I am to drop off my headshot/resume/cover letter to her by next week. She will review it and then she will take me to her agency to get me started. UM!
Of course she and I will get together for dinner or drinks before that.
And I will sex her up.
Ok sick. She is like 60 years old or something.
The agency that represents her focuses on both film AND live theater. There is something for everyone! I am thrilled.
Thank you to my brother for securing this for me. From what Gigi says, this really may be my ticket to getting my start. She was very helpful and seems to me to be sent straight from God. :-D
She told me to keep my real name. She said that it is very American, easy, and also classy. So there will not be usage of my middle name everyone. What Gigi says gos.
I am very happy and excited about all of this.
Now time to get these damn headshots reproduced.
What else...
This weekend was pretty great. Rita took me to my first BBQ restaurant on Friday and it was phenomenal. We SHOVED our faces and then went to Toys 'R' Us to buy new board games for our house.
We got the "MONSTER GAME CENTER!" which has 13 traditional board games included. (ie: chess, checkers, etc.)
And we also got the SIMPSON TRIVIA game. It was great! The game is very hard and I have yet to answer a single question correctly. Stupid Joe. Stupid.
Saturday we went out in the city which is ALWAYS fun and last night we watched the finale of SEX AND THE CITY.
Overall a pretty great weekend. I got a ton of sleep. Haven't gotten to sleep in that late since my Florida vacation.
I spoke with Mariah this morning and she informed me that she has been called back 3 times for Making the Band 2 with P-Diddy!
UM!
Amazing!!!!!! I am so excited for her! There was a whole big story involved with it, but you will have to talk to her to get the scoop!
This is MY journal afterall and we don't like it THAT much when people's careers take off.
Unless it's my career, of course.
;)
So that's it.
Going grocery shopping tonight and dropping off my laundry. Tomorrow I gotta get these headshots reproduced and then ROCK!
Gigi told me that she got a stint on Guiding Light through her agency. UM. What is the deal with me and Guiding Light? This is the second person that told me that they might be able to get me into that soap.
I've never even seen it.
So that's it.
Everyone wish me luck. It would be so amazing not to have to come to this shit job anymore.
It would be even more amazing to actually do SOMETHING with acting.
Oh man.
Please God. Please make this work out.

What a fucking day. I can't believe that I didn't do ONE second of playing today at work. I mean...seriously. Not even a personal email. It was that busy. Remember yesterday when I said I was sweating from the amount of running around that I did? Yeah...well today I reek to high heaven. Well...that's if heaven smells like onions.
So here I sit at home and actually excited to be sitting here writing. No rush. Just simple thinking...
Let me first cover the basics...
Kelly Clarkson is the American Pop Idol. Yeah. Well, yeah. nuff said.
The dog sitting that I was sort of doing has ended very anti-climactically. Kelly will get $25 for doing one night from hell and I will get $30 for taking care of her plants and mail. Snore. BUT...on the plus side, she has no idea that I was smoking pot and cigarettes while laying in her bed. HAHAHAHA.
One funny thing...the conversation I had with the dog lady today was very sweet and nice. Me just happy that she didn't smell shit when she got home. (I did Febreeze her entire apartment and spray about 8 gallons of "Sunny Day" air freshner...also got her some gerbera daises....actually...now that I think about it...with the money I spent on these air freshining devices, I should just about break even from my share of the cut) great.
Anyhoodle...
When we were talking she said: "Do you know where the stain on the couch came from?"
Now understand this...what in her apartment WASN'T covered in Stains? I mean seriously. This bitch done got herself a great place in the city and turned it into GARBAGE! But whatever, I say to her...what stain...as though her entire couch wasn't covered in stains already. She's like: "I found this stain on one of the cushions. I smelled it and it smelled like perfume."
UM! Okay bitch listen...#1...I be gay. So I didn't have any chicks over while you were gone.
#2 I am NOT the kind of gay man that wears perfume.
#3. I turned the cushion over last night cuz that stain that you be talking about is HUGE and was DEFINITLY there when I interviewed. I remember looking at it and being like: "Wow. You are one dirty dog lady."
And now she tries to blame it on me.
Enough. Give me my money and you and your crazy, bleeding everywhere dog, go away.
The end.
In other news...
Edward Im'd me today. Welcome back. He moves into the city next week. Oof dah. Since he has the link to this page, that will be all that I am writing...
My mother and brother both called me at work today to see if I had called that agent that my bro told me about.
This was my reaction to both:
"I am seriously busy at work and I don't have time to discuss MY acting career with either of you."
Both said: "But Joe, you WILL call today. You WILL."
I said: "Hi. Mother and brother...FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Fortunately both conversations ended well and I DIDN'T call the lady today just to spite them.
oops.
I think I spited myself.
Will call tomorrow. But really...GAH! Give me five seconds to breathe, ok?!
Yesterday I bought the EMINEM CD. Yes I know. "How could you possibly support him being a homosexual male?!?!?!"
You know how?
With $15. And I love every second of the cd. Very proud that I own it.
I think that Rita has lead me to Paul and my new song. We have "OUR" song already. Embarrassed I tell you that it is by the Backstreet Boys. It is called "I Need You Tonight" and while totally appropriate at the time...times have changed and now so has our song.
It's now by Ben Folds Five and it is called....um...
It's called #12 on the disc.
Their new disc. I plan on fully absorbing him into the song and then when he least expects it...I slam him with "Don't you just LOVE our new song???"
He will love.
I got my pictures from Florida back today.
The best part of my day was not the fact that I got the pictures...it is the fact that 5 rolls of film WITH doubles came to exactly $47.18.
$47.18???
By far the cheapest thing I have purchased in NYC. I am pleased.
The pictures came out well. Actually they came out fucking hysterical. Paul spent the entire trip trying to "hide" from the camera which turns out to be a very stupid move as he is still IN all the pictures...they just look ugly.
Nice going Pauley.
OK...so it's now a half an hour later and I just got off the phone with Mariah.
Her girlfriend broke up with her on Tuesday. UM?!
In my opinion better off cuz Mariah is so much better then this pseudo-gay bitch...
But for Mariah, I know it hurts.
Oh man. Poor thing.
Can't get into it now.
I think I just heard Rita come home from her Tai Chi class.
Oh...nope. It's assholes from upstairs.
I guess that's it. I have been on this computer and the phone since I got home and I have yet to unpack my bags. Sorry for the chaotic ramblings tonight.
Ah well. Sometimes the best shit comes from chaotic ramblings.
Time to go smoke a bowl.
Peace in the middle east y'all.
refer back to May's entires to understand that quote.

Got to be real quick today. Leave work in about 15 minutes. Have been so swamped today. Not even a couple minutes to write. And as I write this, the head rabbi is mumbling some shit and looking at me like he has work for me.
Ugh.
He does.
FUCK!
Can I have 3 seconds of peace?
Guess not.
One quick story. I talked to my brother today. Turns out that a friend of his in Germany has this godmother named "Gigi" who is this like, well-known actress in NYC. My brother's friend talked to his godmother and explained my position. She is 60 years old and has been living as an actress in Manhattan for over 40 years. Supposedly, she has never worked any other job but acting, and has totally made money and supported herself.
I have to call her in the am and set-up a dinner appointment with her for either this weekend or early next week.
HOW EXCITING, RIGHT?
I spoke with this godson today. His name is Chris. He was very cool on the phone and told me that she is this incredible lady and knows every agent and connection in NYC. I am hoping that she is really going to help me out and get me on my way.
Wow.
Will definitely write more about this in the morning.
GAH!
Everyone at work has just officially stepped on my last nerve. I just went storming into the administrator's office and was forced to act like a cunt.
Why do people make me do that?
Ugh.
FUCKING PHONE!
Alright...I must go.
I have nothing productive to say right now except that I may kill some well-meaning Jews. ;)
Peace Jigs.

Oh!
One more thing.
Remember last Thursday when I wrote the story about the hornet landing on my eyeball?
Well...
I am standing at the volleyball court on Saturday, when I notice a mosquito buzzing around my head. When I go to swat at it, suddenly it zooms in and lands on my eyeball.
AGAIN!
Two species of bugs have landed on my eyeball within days of eachother. Um.
Can that stop?
It hurts when they do that.

I am get-ting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off............
Okay...work is fucking out of control today. The phone has yet to stop ringing, the amount of students pouring in through the door represents only one thing...INSANITY!
I am sweating, I think. I have been running around like a crazy person. Ari is out today and while I fully support her taking time off to do whatever she needs to do, I am here alone and am starting to drown. Luckily I am leaving for lunch in a couple of minutes, so that should give me some time to clear my head. My co-workers promise me that it won't be this crazy for the whole week, but what do they know? They aren't sitting at the front desk selling Rosh Hashana tickets.
On the plus side, the day is FLYING by. I can't believe it is almost 2pm.
It's all good.
This weekend in the Pocono's was one of the best weekends I have had all summer. Without a doubt. Rita and I both fully enjoyed ourselves. We spent about 98% of it getting drunk and laughing and running around like mad people. In total, there were 9 of us there. All 6 girls (me included) and three of the 6 boyfriends. The guys I met were fucking amazing. These girls have really secured hotties with great personalities. Okay...they weren't all hotties, just Nina's. FUCK! That girl has the hottest boyfriend this side of hot.
And he was the one boyfriend that I spent most of my time talking to. What a gem!
lol
gem.
What am I? A granny?
Friday night, everyone passed out pretty early, cept for a small group of us that decided to get a game of "Spoons" going. It was fucking fun. And I won.
Hee.
Saturday, the girls (me not included this time)_made a huge breakfast for all of us. We housed, then went to the lake to play a couple games of volleyball and bocce ball. All the while chugging beers and laughing our tits off. At one point, I went to tickle Rita's nose with a feather (from a dirty, west nile infected pigeon) when I accidently rubbed it all over her tongue. Oops.
It was PRETTY funny.
Saturday night we had the fucking best meal, then played a trivia game that Rita and I had previously prepared. We were the most popular for this game. The girls LOVED it.
Then we all got ready and went out to this really nice bar that was having Karaoke. Everyone sang and went out of their minds. Then Rita and I took the crew to Baby Boomers Dance Club. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Baby Boomers.
Rita and I soon realized that we were the only ones from NYC when we danced a little more insane then everyone else.
You know that Khia song: "My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack"?
Well...they played that as we were walking in and then right after it, they played "My neck, my back, lick my cock and my sack".
It was PRETTY great.
We stayed up real late and then all passed out somewhere around 4:30am. Got up again at 9am for breakfast and talks. Ended up leaving at 1pm.
Very sad to go. It was so amazing. So much better than I had anticipated. And so much better then I ever thought it could be. I miss these girls with my heart. I miss having a group of people like this. 6 people makes it so that there really aren't any problems. You can fight with one and still be part of the group. It's hard to do that with 3. And even harder to do that with 2.
:-D
So....(big sigh)
it's over. We are going to try to plan another get together for sometime in a couple of months. Rita is in charge this time.
The condo that we ended up staying in was so fucking beautiful. The rooms were huge and everything was just PERFECT!
It all ended up being totally affordable. Everything really went flawlessly. No problems.
I, for the first time in my life, have no complaints.
I spent last night dogsitting. Well, housesitting. The dog comes back into my life tonight. God I hope it's not bleeding out of its' vergina anymore. That is so sick.
Gotta see if I can clean up this bitch's apartment too. It's just so trashed.
Last night on Road Rules....which by the way was the most amazing episode of the whole season so far! There is one line in it that was so fucking funny that I literally spit out what I was drinking.
The new girl, Raquel, was talking about the challenge. They had to eat like all of this fucked up stuff. Like cow brains, cow testicles, etc. The trick was that the girls had to make it and the guys had to eat it. They ate and puked like every bite, but eventually accomplished it. When it was the girls turn, the boys had to make them vanilla smoothies out of cow testicles and some other nasty shit.
Raquel says to the camera:
"I'm worried about this challenge. I mean, I am really hungry, but not for cow penis."
It made me SHIT myself. Wait until you hear her say it. It's by far the funniest line on the planet! And she is adorable. Bye Sarah, hello Raquel.
Welcome.
One other note...about a couple weeks ago, I wrote that Shane, the gay one on Road Rules, was wearing my bathing suit in one scene. Well last night, Rachel, the lesbian, was wearing one of the polo shirts I own from Urban. I mean, for real?!?!?!
What is the deal with gays all buying the same clothes?
ugh. No wonder people call me fag on the bus. You can tell by the clothes I wear!
Who knew.
Ok...seriously typed this in 10 minutes. Got to get back to work, but these were the things I just HAD to write about today.
pth.